Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
