I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
