I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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