I wish I could teleport
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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