At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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