I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
