Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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