update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Randomize
