Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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