do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
