True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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