his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
