can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
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I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
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We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
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