I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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