I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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