dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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