Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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