I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Randomize
