Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
