I can text with my tongue
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
