I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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