I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
