oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
