I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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