no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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