Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My balls are so social today.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
