Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
