If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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