How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
