You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Randomize
