that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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