If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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