I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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