How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
