My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
