i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
