I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
