Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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