no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
