i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
