If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
