I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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