We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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