oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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