Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
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it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
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Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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