I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
