I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
