I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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