She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
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The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
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How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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