I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
