That's when you crack a 10am beer
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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