he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
