oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
and you fell through a lawn chair
You ate ashes out of my bong
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
