thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
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He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
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I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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