i need an iv and a liver transplant
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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