I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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