I cannot find my penis.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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