listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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